speerio's Xanga

long time= no writing

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 02:53:43 GMT

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. Mainly because I've been incredibly busy. I've been coaching, organizing homecoming, teaching, and....spending time with Tom. I guess that's another reason I haven't been posting-- I'm not sure how to write about what has been going on lately and the issue that is forefront on my mind. Dating my best friend. That one definitely came out of the blue for both of us...but was a long time coming for everyone who knows us. Honestly, this is the first time I've been in a relationship where it really wasn't a decision to enter into it or not--- it's just another step in obedience for what God has planned for me-- no matter what ends up happening. It's been mind-blowing to see the things that have happened since we started dating and it is clear that God has been orchestrating this thing for a LOOOOONNNNG time. I'll post a story that I sent a few people that just confirmed a lot of things for me. It's pretty long and I wrote it out pretty quickly, but if you can fumble your way through it...the story is amazing.

Ok....so this is a long and complex story that I seriously couldn't concoct, even if I wanted to. It's too intricate and God worked out soooo many of the minute details for His unbelievable plan that I can't even fathom it. So here it goes:

Before I went to Peru, I had to get some counseling done. I knew that problems here would be magnified in the mission field and I wanted to make sure that nothing of my own would keep me from doing the work and ministry that I was certain God was calling me to. So I went to the Hyde Park Counseling center and they connected me with a volunteer counselor. As hesitant and difficult as I was to open up to the woman they placed me with, she patiently met with me for eight sessions to work through some very intimate and personal issues. She met my challenges with love and grace and understanding and though I did not realize it at the time, God used her to change my life and open my heart.

Seemingly unrelated to this story is the fact that Tom, who at the time was one of my close friends, had taken an afternoon class with a professor at UT by the name of Dr. Andrews. He chose the class because of the time of day it was offerred.

Fast forward to Peru. God changes my life. Biggest understatement of all time. I am transformed. And return to the United States and feel like I am supposed to stay in Austin for a few years.

Seemingly unrelated again, Tom and I begin running together to train for a half marathon and our close friendship of the past three years becomes even closer.

Then in March of this past year, Tom comes to a crossroads. He must decide where he is going to go to graduate school. He has opportunities in California, Colorado, and Texas. However, he is unsure that Texas will offer him the same benefits and scholarship that Colorado has made available. While we are in Monterrey, he is wrestling with the decision of where to go. One month later, God makes it very clear that Tom is supposed to stay in Texas. Dr. Andrews was impressed with Tom (because he IS a genius) and wants Tom to not only stay at UT, but to also be a grad student in his research group. Tom's grad school is completely paid for.

Again, fast forward three months. After awhile, I realize that I am in love with my best friend but I don't say anything. I am barely brave enough to pray about it and hope. But because God is the One in control of this story, Tom begins to feel the same way and everything falls into place. Tom came to the realization of his feelings for me one evening when he invited me to a dinner that was in honor of engineering grad students who had received scholarships. Tom is one of four recipients of the Ernest Cockrell scholarships. Not only did he get in to UT grad school, but he received this amazing privilege that few can attain. So while we are still just friends, I go to this dinner with him.

At the dinner, I am seated next to him and on the other side of me, I meet Dr. John Haltom. Dr. Haltom turns out to be one of the deans of the school of engineering at UT. He is also a Christian. I talk to him about my experience in Peru among many things. This night proved important for two things that will come up later: 1. It was a turning point for Tom in his feelings for me. 2. We were seated next to Dr. Haltom

Tom and I have several long discussions and begin dating. Now all the pieces are falling into place and my story, which began about four years ago when Tom and I met, is making sense. Friday night, Tom and I go on a date. During that time he tells me that he had gone to a Bible study on campus for engineering grad students and Dr. Haltom had been there. Dr. Haltom had told Tom that in two weeks there will be a formal dedication dinner to celebrate and dedicate the renaming of the engineering school at UT in honor of the Cockrells. The Cockrell Foundation has donated some money (well, enough to have a school renamed after them!!!!) to the engineering school and also given scholarships to engineers, one of those engineers being Tom. As Tom learns later from Dr. Haltom, the Cockrell family is not only influential in the community, but they are also very strong Christians.

Dr. Haltom told Tom he remembered talking to us and had been impressed with us at the scholarship dinner and wanted to know if we would join them at the dedication dinner, a black tie event at the Four Seasons. Of course, when Tom tells me all of this, I am in shock. Are you kidding me? We are going to the dedication dinner for the UT engineering school in honor of the people who are paying for Tom's school? Who am I to go to this dinner?

God's blessing becomes very clear. Then, last night I decide to get onto the website for the Cockrell Foundation. If we were going to a dinner in honor of a very important family, I wanted to know some more about them. And as I was on the website, I began to see pictures of the founding Cockrell family memebers. I scrolled down to see pictures of the next generation of the family, the heirs and benefactors that would be honored at this dinner. I was stunned and picked up to call Tom.

First let me say, I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship were it not for the counseling I received and I would not have been able to go to Peru. And Tom would not be able to stay in Austin had he not received this scholarship. And if that class of Dr. Andrews had been at any other time besides 12:30 in the afternoon. Therefore, we would probably not be dating if all of these things hadn't been put into place way in advance.

But what I saw on the website just tied it all together. On the foundation website, I found a picture of Carol Cockrell Curran. She is the woman who counseled me. She is also the woman who founded the Hyde Park Counseling center. Her family is the one who is paying for Tom's school. Her family is the one that we will be honoring next week. All I can say is-- God is in the details. God is in control. God has a perfect plan. God has engineered Tom's life. God has orchestrated mine. It is Him.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 19:11:24 GMT

I am.....exhausted. I am never still. It seems that there is never a moment for me to catch my breathe. This morning I woke up to go to church and I was so fatigued that I could barely pay attention, much less think clearly about what was being said. I felt incredibly useless and drained.

Somehow as I was sitting there I began thinking of the verse in Hebrews that says to run the race with perseverance. And then again in 1st Corinthians it says that all the runners in a race run, but only one shall get the prize. And Paul says in Phillipians that he is being poured out like a drink offering. I think about the implications of these verses for my life and how I don't even have the time anymore to sit down and ask God to take over in His strength. I desire my weakness and physical frailty to magically disappear....but God doesn't say we won't be tired. He just says that His yoke is easy and He will give us rest. Hebrews says His rest still stands.

Therefore, I will run the race as fast and as hard as I can. I will pour out absolutely everything. Why hold anything back? For what? For tomorrow? Well, God will supply the strength and grace I need for tomorrow when I get there. His rest for me stands today. I praise God that I cannot do the job He has set before me. As I have said before, He must do it. I am here to be expended.

I see now another reason why those long, quiet days in Peru were necessary. Practicing the presence of God in the moments where there is no other work to be done but prayer is crucial to the moments when silence cannot be found and all your strength and energy are demanded. I cannot forget Who paid my debt.

choose to be expended

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 02:23:50 GMT

This past week has been kind of rough for me. And I'll be really honest as to why, although it may be received....oddly. I'm ok with that. I write because I like to write.

Anyway, as I said before, my job is taking me. It takes absolutely all of me and I love giving all that I have to my job. I would be disappointed with anything else. But the conflict comes when I get home and my phone begins ringing. Now, while those who know me well, know that I am not afraid to speak my mind and I love talking to people. However, I would never describe myself as an overly-extroverted person. I could live alone and spend days without talking to people and I would be just fine. I love people though. I love getting to know people and I love spending time with people. But it wears me out-- physically and emotionally. I need alone time.

Before my job, I had that alone time. I spent most of my free time alone, storing up energy for when my phone rang at night and then I would go spend time with people. But now, by the time I get home at 4:30, I am done with human interaction. My job zaps any energy and social skill that I might have started out the day with. By the time I get home, I need silence. And thus, the conflict which has already been brought to my attention by my best friends and the people I love dearly is, I cannot give 110 percent to my job and then give them whatever is left over. I need to give them 110 percent as well. God has blessed me with them in my life and I have the opportunity to love them.

Oswald Chambers talks about how self-pity is from Satan and is to be avoided at all cost. I realized driving the other day that there have been times in my life when I am emotionally exhausted. When my life is a rollercoaster. Right now is not one of those times. But physically, right now....I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I felt like my privacy and most important, my solitude were being stolen away and God still expected me to do the quickly aggregating work He set before. Doesn't He know I need time alone? While I was driving in my car, Oswald Chamber's words reminded me that God has made me and placed me here for such a time as this and there is nothing wrong with being physically exhausted. There is nothing wrong with pouring out 110 percent of myself twice a day to two different groups of people. Praise God that He has given me so many people to love. My self-pity was threatening to steal the joy of the work that was set before me. Jesus was probably bone tired all the time but all it did was give Him the opportunity to ask God to supply Him the rest and provisions He needed. And then He saw God miraculously supply His every need. Thank God that I need to depend on Him for strength. Thank God that I CANNOT do it. Thank God that I WILL fail. But He will not.

my life lately

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 22:17:56 GMT

Well, it's pretty much non-existant outside of school. I'm exhausted all of the time. I go to bed before 10 or 11 now. I'm about to start coaching cross country, which will take up my Saturdays. I grade essays in my free time. But, I have to say, I absolutely love it.

I am so tired all of the time and this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I still love it. It's amazing to see that God knows the desires of my heart and that He provided the most perfect job for me. In other news....well, there really isn't any other news. I'm blessed out of my mind with my friends and my job and some other things....

more later but now I've got to go work out before I get ready for my 9 p.m bedtime.

freaking out? maybe slightly

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 01:14:23 GMT

Well, I start school in about.......T minus 36 hours. I'm not kidding. You know that feeling right before you jump off a cliff or do something crazy? That surge of cold adrenaline that causes you to temporarily lose your level emotions and you are prematurely breathless cause you know what's about to happen. That electricity before your body hits the freezing cold water. I felt that way as I buckled my seatbelt on my flight to Peru.

That's how I feel. I can't believe I am actually doing this. Monday morning, I'm going to walk into a classroom of 9th and 10th graders and introduce myself as Ms. Speer and hand them a syllabus and be an adult and they are going to listen to me and do assignments that I give them and I am going to fall in love with all of them. I just can't believe it.

On a slightly more humourous note, I saw the funniest teacher quote ever:

"Why is teaching a more noble profession than being a doctor? Because teachers don't go around sticking innocent little children with needles. We just give them detentions."

why God is amazing

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 03:32:51 GMT

I hesitate to write. But God is amazing and so I must attempt to describe how amazingly and perfectly He has worked this out in my life. I will fall short and fail, so just know, God is so incredible and has provided for me so perfectly that there are no words. There are no words.

My job is perfect. I feel like I stepped into the life of someone else and I love their life. Yesterday and today have been above and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed for my first teaching job. No, I don't have my own classroom and no, I don't get to teach everything I'd like, but I can pray with my kids. I can get to know them and their parents and I have an administration and families that are praying for me as I am in my room, doing what I love doing and what God has given me a passion for. I get to work with other people who share my passion for education and most importantly for Christ. I KNOW my classrooms (all five of them) have been prayed over.

I can share openly with my kids who Christ is in my life. The past two days of inservice have been in one word, surreal. I'm treated like an adult and do all these adult things and given responsibilites to keep up with and honestly, I have more things to do between now and Friday than I can possibly write out on my super organized "to do" list, but I cannot wait to get to work every morning. Seriously, I am disappointed when it's time to go home. And the amazing thing is--- my kids haven't even gotten there yet. And that's the best part of my job. Already I love my job and the best thing about it hasn't even entered into this equation yet?????

Who knew (except God, of course) that this was the desire of my heart? NEVER in a million years did I think that this was where I would be teaching. I am so blessed that I am though. The fact that I get to spend the next year here blows my mind. God is good.

what kind of a fool do you think i am? a blind one, apparently

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 21:14:47 GMT

Well, it's here. Tomorrow I start my first day of inservice. You'd think I'd be bubbling over with anticipation and excitement because I've been counting down the days all summer. Seriously, counting. And yet, I am feel that I am on my last thread.

Today really hit me. Yesterday I spent the day feeling off. I had been wrestling with a sin that has overtaken me for years. I felt when I went to Peru, I had resisted it long enough, only to return to the States and find it waiting for me. Yesterday, I was done with it. I sat down and told God I was done repenting, done feeling guitly, done returning to my filth, and done making promises that I knew I was going to break. I would not get up until I truly repented and turned from my ways. Enough with half-hearted promises.

Ha...well, repenting means really repenting and it's tough to look at yourself and realize that you have used the Holy of Holy's temple to outwardly sin against what was purchased with Christ's blood. That's what we do when we sin. Our bodies, which aren't our own...which cost Christ His life, act outside of the desire of the Holy of Holies. It's as iif our flesh was manifested as a mutating, cancerous thief who broke into the ancient temple of God in Israel and hijacked the inner temple where only one priest was allowed. How defiling. I was sick with the grief that not only had my flesh assaulted and defiled the Holy of Holy's, but that it wasn't even mine to defile. And that the actions I committed were harmful to others. And then they were forgiven under the grace by the One whose temple I had subverted to sin. What is going on HERE????

So, then I went to the Sunday service. I was kind of shaky because I felt I had repented before God so many times. What would make this time different? And the message was about praying a prayer of faith. And how when we pray and ask God to do something inside of His will, we must continue to live and act on the faith that He is faithful...and not only will He do it, He has ALREADY done it. God has ALREADY delivered me from my sin. I forgot that. But I have to remember, He is faithful and HE HAS delivered me. I must believe that and live that out. I walked out of church with hope.

As I got in my car, it wasn't peace that surrounded me, but the urgency to be ready---the realization that this was not the end, but the beginning of what would be a spiritual assault for my heart and my mind. I would be a fool if I didn't think Satan wasn't about to launch an all out attack. Here I am, freed from my sin, realizing I am freed from my sin, on the thresshold of the assignment that God has hand-picked and prepared for me, and full of the Holy Spirit.

And sure enough....today the ladies I babysat for forgot to pay me and I am way behind now with finances. The kids I babysit were terrors and as I went out to start my car after a long day, it wouldn't start. So I called Andrew, who graciously drove out past 2222 and 360 to jump my car, which prompt shorted out while I was on the highway and the electrical wires started crackling. Praise God, I made it to the dealership, where they informed me it would be awhile before I would know what had happened and what had caused all the dials and lights in my car to go haywire (which, incidently, was going to cost me about the same as the money that I wasn't paid today). I left the car there and Andrew drove me home....and about 10 minutes later I realized that ALL of my school work for tomorrow had been meticulously packed and ready to go in my trunk. I got home and laughed to myself. Attack? Maybe? I have no clue how I am getting to work tomorrow.

but as I sit in my room, thankful that I am home with my Bible and eyes opened, I praise God that this is all that was given to me today. Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. God has delivered me in the past, He is delivering me today, and that gives me the hope and faith that He will deliver me tomorrow and all the days after that. My God is a God who saves. He is my provider, my shield, and my Hope. There is no chaos He cannot calm. There is nothing that will separate His Love from his child.

nobody said it was easy

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:52:42 GMT

school starts tuesday. i got the list of other new people who i'll be working with. i can't wait to start and i wish it was tomorrow.

when i start school, i think it's going to be like starting a completely new life in the same city. like discovering part of austin and people in austin that i didn't know existed. which will be both beneficial and absolutely necessary.

i can't will myself to certain things no matter how convenient it may be for me. and i can't will myself out of situations. i would like a chapter conclusion instead of a cliffhanger. I would like for everything to stay exactly the same and yet I need everything to change.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 14:54:16 GMT

Why is it so difficult to walk in grace? I constantly berate myself as disgusting, unholy, and unrighteous. I spend so much time wallowing in this recognition of unworthiness that I completely negate and blaspheme the redeeming work of Christ. He did not die that I might remain in my sinful state. So many time I must remind myself-- He has DONE it, therefore, I am no longer or ever will be condemned. Why my shame still rules confounds me because, in reality-- it's existence has been replaced within me. Why do we forget to walk in the freedom of grace?

overload

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 03:44:11 GMT

Today, I just lost it. Literally. I lost two credit cards. Or perhaps they were stolen at the gym. I don't know except that they aren't where I put them last.

So this morning was spent trying to get them cancelled. And then getting kids off to tennis camp and trying to function on four hours of sleep. I got home in the rain, completely exhausted. Then I read my email and found out next year, I will be a floater. For those not familiar with teacher lingo....this means I won't have my own room next year but will flip flop back and forth between two different rooms. For me and my OCD tendencies, this is a DISASTER. I can think of literally nothing worse. While it may not seem like a big deal....for me it is a huge deal, especially as a first year teacher. I get a little choked up still thinking about it.

So I cried for about four hours today and then fell asleep on my bed until I woke up and was like---screw knee pain. I need to go for a run. So I went for a run. And then went to dinner with Andrew. Then had a roommate night and Liz came over.

But as upset and as many setbacks as I am having at work, without even having started yet, I'm pretty confident this is where I am supposed to be. I am so discouraged and upset-- but it doesn't dissuade me in wanting to be a teacher.